PART ONE: HOME LIFE

'Sup gais. So, okay, I typed up three different LJ entry drafts during the month I've been offline. I'mma post them all in a three-part series entitled "Stuff That Happened During the Month I've Been Online: The Trilogy". Part One: "Home Life", Part Two: "More Emo Whining", Part Three: "'Join Us' Review". This is part one. LJ Cut time! Note that paragraph four (this one here, outside of the Cut, is included in that count) is disturbing. Skip that one if you don't want to hear aboot weird fetishes. I'm considering using that disclaimer from now on. Y'know, in light of the *chan thing. I dunno though, seems like a pain to have to do it every time I post disturbing things. Because I post a lot of disturbing things. But uh, LJ Cut time!

So, the main part of Part One: "Home Life" is that I went to Wildwood, New Jersey for a day. But we'll get to that. Let's blow through the small things first. AO, Steve, Dad and Macen all had birthdays. I attended AO's and Steve's. I missed Dad's and Macen's because I don't pay attention to what the date is. Not that it would have mattered anyway; I wasn't at Dad's and I don't know where Macen's been the past few years. Both occurred on July 4th. Yes, I missed Independence Day too. I don't see the point in that holiday. You don't see other countries showing off what date they were founded. Also I really really hate fireworks. They're loud, abrupt noises and, just like toast, practical jokes and horror movies, they scare the shit out of me even when I know they're coming.
I caught two shiny Pokemon in Ruby Version. First Doduo in the Safari Zone and then, the next day, Oddish underneath the cycling path. Also I got Pokerus twice. Neither one is really a big deal for me. I've gotten shinies and Pokerus buttloads of times. I've had shiny Graveler, Whismur, Kecleon, and Shuppet among others I've forgotten, but really shinies don't serve any special purpose besides bragging to your friends that you did something that there's only a 1 in 8192 chance of. Shinies aren't stronger than regular-coloureds or anything. In fact, in Gen 2, shinies were actually weaker than normally-coloured Pokeymans because back then shininess was determined by IVs. Certain IVs had to all be set to 10 for them to be shiny, so if you wanted a shiny, you couldn't max out those stats. PS I recently typed up a new thing aboot EVs, IVs, egg moves, etc. I can upload it somewhere if anyone wants me to.

Okay, this is the disturbing paragraph. Here we go: I got my little flashlight thing stuck up my butt. Normally I leave the tip sticking out so I can grab it and pull it out when I'm done, but on this particular occasion I forgot it was in there. I clenched and accidentally sucked it the whole way up. I tried to get it oot for aboot an hoor (aah, that one's kinda confusing), to no avail. So, I had to call Joyce. She came over and got it out for me. Then she took it from me. So now I have no idea what to use as a butt plug. It would be really great if I had a real one, especially because they're designed so this exact thing can never happen, but I can't go shopping without an escort, and my b-family's all... y'know, bigoted against assplay and stuff. Every time I sing aboot having anal with my wife they yell at me. It's ridiculous. Anyway, ever since, my rectum's been all messed up. Feels like there's a couple little spots where maybe the flashlight's on/off switch tore the wall or something? Because they hurt when I try and stick something up there. I certainly hope that whatever the blazes it is, it goes away because I couldn't imagine life without things in my butt. I've tried asking my b-family what to do aboot it, but they don't answer. They're always just like "Well its your own dumb fault for putting something in there". So that's nice, I have yet another legitimate medical concern and no way to get help for it. Let's hope I never have a heart attack around these jerks or I'm going to die. Plus, this is probably going to hurt my "there's nothing wrong with anal" arguments because now they're going to bring this incident up every time. Fuck.

For the love of God, someone please get me away from my b-family and into a new home with cool people. Preferably people who have fast Internet and whom will let me use it as much as I want with no time limit or any other kind of rules like "no porn" or "no downloading stuff" or whatever. Do they have that in orphanages? Because if they do, I would really much rather be in an orphanage than live with my b-family. Hey, ask Jessa if she'll reconsider adopting me. She said no a few times but maybe someday she'll change her mind. After all, I'm known as The Mind-Changer. Well, no I'm not. But still, I have and will continue to change minds. And clothes. Man, I need new clothes. Better clothes. Maybe a shirt that says "Hug Me". Do you think people really do hug people who wear shirts like that? Probably not. I'd assume they wouldn't risk it, in case the shirt is just a joke. You know, like the "Duck me, I'm frunk" shirts. I don't think that shirt would really get anyone laid. I really do want hugs though. I need a shirt that's more clear that I really do want hugs. Someday I hope to hug Maddi, Jessa and both Annas. Several times. Per hour. Not sure if I wanna hug males. Idk, I'm not really a male-friend kind of guy. I mean, I have some male friends, but I dunno if I'd hug them. Have I ever e-hugged Simon? He likes hugs. I dunno, I can't remember. I should try sometime and see how that feels. If he still likes me, that is. I dunno if he does. It's been a while since I've last spoken to him. I'm terrible at coming up with topics. I don't usually initiate IMs with people. I let them initiate IMs with me. Except for when something came up that I know I can use as a topic with someone. Like, I IM Thom constantly because there's constantly a thing I can use as a topic with him. He's probably annoyed that I IM him too much. Especially when he's busy. He seems to be busy a lot. I wonder if he ever just pretends to be busy so he doesn't have to talk to me...? Hm... Well, in any case, when The Thing is over I'll slow down with the IMs. Oh, but wait, what if he thinks I've lost interest in talking to him? It's lose-lose... Crap... OH! Speaking of crap, I had to do a bunch of painting for Joyce.
The main goal was to raise the money in time to get Join Us when it came out. I mean, I realize one CD is only like twenty bucks, but I don't get to go shopping very often and when I do, I want to be able to get more than just one or two things. Not only that, but there's the issue of phone minutes too. Since you get more value for more expensive cards, the smartest thing to do is buy the most expensive one, the $80 one, so you save long-term. Unfortunately I can never raise another $80 by the time the previous card runs out, so I usually have to buy the cheapest ($20) card, which causes me gargantuan long-term loss. Plus it only lasts me less than a week. And then I can't raise another $20 before those couple days ends. So then I have to go weeks at a time with no contact with my friends. And I need contact with my friends so we can work out what to do aboot The Situation That's Been Going on These Past Couple Years. And every second we're not working to prevent Bad Things, there's a chance Bad Things could happen. I'm assured that prevention is occurring even without me, but I often realize something new that I need to check and make sure is covered by The Plan. It usually is, but you never know. So as you can probably see, my life is very stressful. Now I really need to stop trailing off Coffee-Crew-style and get back to the painting thing. What is wrong with me today? Seriously, this isn't one of those Nick-Is-Intentionally-Trying-to-Be-Like-a-TV-Show-Character-Because-He-Hates-Himself-and-Would-Rather-Be-Like-Them things; my mind keeps on wandering off to other stuff. Is that a symptom of ADD, d'you think? Because I was diagnosed with that back when I went to a psychiatrist. Sucks my b-family didn't want to keep paying the $20 for it; I really need a psychologist. Badly. I'd like to get the austism, Asperger's, OCD, etc. diagnosed so people stop disbelieving me when I say I have 'em. Geez, it should be pretty obvious I have a lot more than just clinical depression and ADD. Plus maybe they'd have tips for handling The Thing.

...Wait. Trailing off again. GOD, NICK, STOP IT. AARGH. PAINTING.
SO YES, I WAS PAINTING. After over a month of Joyce saying she had work for me but not actually letting me do it, she finally let me do it. For whatever reason, she didn't wanna pick me up, so I had to walk the whole way over to her house a couple of times. Which btw was horrible. It's a half-hour walk, uphill, and I had to carry a paint can and stuff with me. Not to mention the risk of getting shot, stabbed, run over, crushed, strangled, mutilated, bludgeoned, drowned, etc.! Do you realize how out-of-shape I am? I'd never be able to out-run an assailant. After the second time walking I was like "Okay, no. I'm not walking anymore." So then she started picking me up. I did a few random things around her yard and then the big project was three of the outer walls of her garage. Why I didn't have to do the fourth, I'll never understand. It definitely stands out from the other three now. But anyway, I totalled 19 and a half hours, which was $141.38. Not too long ago I found out that painters are supposed to be paid more than just Minimum Wage (by They Might Be Giants), but I mean, what am I gonna do? If I ask for a raise I'll more than likely be fired.
Finally, this is gonna be kinda out-of-place in the "Home Life" entry, but it was p out-of-place in part two where it originally was too, so... lose-lose. Okay, um... so basically, I wrote Part Two before the other two parts, and so it had a little home life and Join Us stuff in it until I decided to expand on them and give them their own separate entry. I trailed off a little bit, going from "apparently two new albums came out without me knowing" to "dang son, I need Internet. I keep finding out aboot things way too late to be able to chime in on them", and then I started chiming in on some current events. Here that is, verbatim: I wanted so bad to discuss the Anthony Weiner thing, but it's much too late for that. But basically I'm okay with what he did. It's not like he actually had irl sex or anything. I mean geez, I send my friends nudez all the time. It's no big deal. It doesn't count as cheating. Heck man, The Person posts nudez, apparently, and surprisingly I'm okay with it (wish I knew where to find 'em, though...). Although I guess he probably should've asked his wife for permission to make sure she felt the same way. Lying in the interviews was way worse than the thing itself, but I honestly don't blame him for that either. It's not his fault society is so screwed-up and intolerant that he has to hide everything to protect himself. ...Oh, I guess I did just discuss it anyway. Well, while I'm doing this, I'd also like to comment on the Casey Anthony thing. While I have no opinion on whether she's guilty or not (because I don't know all the details), I think it's ridiculous that everyone makes such a big deal aboot her going to parties and whatnot after her daughter disappeared. What do they expect her to do, just sit around crying all day long? I'm sure she has a life besides just her daughter. Besides, sometimes when bad stuff happens, you need to have some fun to take your mind off shit. I had the
same opinion aboot that BP guy that went golfing.

Speaking of, I'm a bit of a hypocrite. Not the bad kind, though. See, when Joyce and Wendy asked me if I wanted to go along with them to Wildwood I reluctantly agreed. I immediately didn't feel right running off to have fun when Someone claimed that their lives were ruined forever. I mean, I know that if they actually weren't lying (still p sure they are, for the reasons listed in that one other entry in addition to a new one I remembered), there's nothing that can be done to un-ruin their lives, but still. I have difficulty saying "no" to people, you see. I dunno, maybe I also thought it'd help pass the time until Join Us comes out. Who knows what was going on in my head. But anyway, we left Sunday morning (July 17th, 2011 A.D.) and planned to return home sometime Monday. They rented a hotel room for us to sleep in, which seems kinda unnecessary considering we had a perfectly suitable car, which, for the record, I've recently found to be infinitely more comfy than all beds.
Our journey began Sunday morning as planned. I brought along my iPod, DS and some other stuff to keep me not-bored for the drive. It didn't work. But we did stop at a McDonald's along the way, and I got a caramel mocha, so that was cool. They kept talking to me even though I was listening to music via my earbuds though. That's a huge pet peeve of mine. We arrived in Wildwood somewhere around noon, I think. Our check-in time wasn't until 1, so we immediately went for the boardwalk. Unfortunately, walking the boardwalk was quite frustrating, as Joyce and Wendy walk way too slow. Not only am I p impatient, but also I can't control my walking speed, so I have to walk in short bursts. Take a few steps, stop, wait for my traveling party to catch up, repeat. And then of course they kept wanting to stop and look around in the stores or watch people ride on the rides. And Joyce kept calling me over to look at stuff I didn't care aboot. Yes, Joyce, there's a picture of the animal crab with text alluding to grouchy humans. That pun's been around for ages. It shouldn't excite you as much as it does. I also don't need to look at shirts that say "Surfer Dude". I don't surf, and neither do you.
As if it weren't frustrating enough, once 1:00 came, Wendy got all worried aboot the lunchmeat we had in the car and was in a hurry to get it into our hotel room's fridge. So then we had to go back! Seems like, um, we shouldn't have even started walking the boardwalk until that'd been taken care of. And why'd you even bring lunchmeat? There's tons of restaurants on the boardwalk. It wasn't even for the drives, because we stopped at restaurants then, too! Damn white people and their cheese. And then, of course, when we got back to the hotel we found out our room wasn't ready yet anyway. The maid hadn't even started cleaning up after the last occupants. So we sat around for what I suspect was a half hour to an hour before finally the innkeeper was like "Well okay, I'll give you a different room instead". So then we finally stored all our stuff in it and continued our boardwalk bonanza. The whole time, I was worried that the maid/innkeeper/whoever-else-would-have-a-key-to-our-room would steal my stuff, but luckily that didn't happen. I was also worried aboot passersby, Joyce, and/or Wendy murdering me, but luckily that didn't happen either.

The boardwalk? Not at all as long as Joyce and Wendy made it sound. We managed to reach the end by four or five o'clock. Once we did, I quickly realized that all the stores are p much the same. There's restaurants, dollar stores, and t-shirt stores. And strangely, every t-shirt store has mostly the same t-shirts. Every five minutes you see Charlie Sheen, "YEAH BUDDY", "Free Hugs", "Cool story bro", and whatever the hell "DTF" means. Between all the stores sucking and the realization that having reached the end of the boardwalk we now have nothing to do for the rest of our stay, I realized I'd made a horrible mistake in agreeing to come. Some good came of it, though. We had something called "Polish Ice" a few times. It was really good. I had two mochacinno-flavoured ones and a watermelon one. Also I got a Monster. Humiliating story aboot that, though.

Okay, so like, it requires some explanation. So, okay, I have great difficulty hearing what people are saying to me when there's a lot of other sounds going on, even if they're not that loud. I can't even tell you how many times I had to ask my friend whom in high school talked to me on the bus to repeat himself because of the sounds of the engine, wind resistance, radio and other kids talking. Okay, so on return trip down the boardwalk, we stopped at yet another restaurant. I ordered two tacos and a Monster. Upon doing so, the dude said something that I couldn't make out because like, air conditioners and passersby talking and stuff. I assumed he asked "small, medium, or large". Boy was I wrong. And yes, I realize Monster doesn't come in different size cans, but... I just assumed, since this was a restaurant, they had it in machines like with fountain sodas and put it in a cup. So anyway, I was like "uhhhhh... medium?" and to my horror, he responded "No, green, blue or orange?" MOTHERFUCKER. Why didn't I just say "What?" like I usually do when people say stuff to me?! So anyway, I was like "Oh. Uhhhh... blue?" I didn't know what all the different colours were, so I just picked blue because that's the one Anna N. has in the photo where she's holding a Monster. Which it turns oot is the low carbs one. I don't know what carbs are. I assume it means it's healthier though. Is Anna worried aboot health or something? I've been meaning to ask whether her vegetarianism is a health thing or an animal thing but never got around to it. Anyway, I hope this incident wasn't one of those things that cashiers lol at customers aboot in their heads. Also, in case you're wondering aboot the "uhhhhh"s and long pauses, it's because I have great difficulty making on-the-spot decisions. It's one of the many reasons why I really shouldn't go to restaurants. Damn waiters, always asking you what size you want, what condiments and toppings, side dishes... Idk, ask Jessa. She knows. I told her all aboot it a few years ago over the phone, the day I emailed her asking her to call me so I could tell her one of the revelations I'd really had, walked home to pick up my phone, walked back to Mom's where I emailed her from, received her call, and walked around in the snow while talking to her for probably an hour or more. It was the first time she called me. I was so swept up in the excitement that I forgot the good revelations and only told her the shitty one that she was probably already well aware of. Damn, I miss Jessa. She was really awesome to talk to. I forget how I managed to email at Mom's house though. Mom doesn't let me online. Maybe I snuck on when everyone was upstairs, I dunno. I used to do that sometimes.

Well, Jessa's awesomeness aside, immediately after the restaurant we watched a movie. I really didn't want to, but. You know. Kinda have to go everywhere they go. The movie was just as I thought it'd be. P much your average comedy movie. Physical "comedy", predictable storyline, etc. If anything I'd rather we'd've seen Harry Potter, but since I haven't seen Deathly Hallows Part One yet I wouldn't know what's happening in the story. No, I didn't read the books. Shut up. I just don't like to read, okay? It doesn't make you better than me. I just prefer to actually see the characters, props, settings, etc., that's all. Damn. But there was this one time that Guess Who yelled at me for not liking books. Yelled at me for a lot of ridiculous reasons. Really hurt my feelings. Like, a couple times a day. And I still remember every word. And I still feel the pain. And I cry. Remember the time she asked me if I thought she was related to Myrrh, then was like "NOT NECESSARILY, YOU IDIOT" when I was like "No; your families would know eachother", then yelled at me again when I tried to follow up with "Also you live the whole way across the country"? I sure as hell do. What aboot the time she said I'm not mature enough to have sex just because I prefer monogamy over condoms? Or the time we did one of our three Bonus Stage roleplays and I had Rya literally be scared shitless by a thing and then she was yelled at me for talking aboot feces? I do! Ruined the joke too. Or that time me and Simon were trying to teach her how to record herself singing and she yelled at me for saying that Recording Control won't let you check two boxes at once when she was trying to check both Microphone and Mixer? Also the time I asked her one time if she'd want to get AIM and she was like "NO STOP ASKING" and then I was like "But this is the first time I asked that" and then she yelled at me again? Ugh... so many more... Too many to count...

Trailin' off again, dangit. So after the movie we finished walking back to the ramp we started from. I actually saw a couple t-shirts I wanted, but I wanted to see if there was anything else I wanted more before I bought them, so once we finished our boardwalk walking I wanted to go back and get 'em, but Joyce and Wendy were tired and wanted to go back to the hotel. So we decided we'd get 'em tomorrow morning and did indeed go back to the hotel. I went to bed p much immediately but woke up after like two hours. Joyce and Wendy were asleep at that point, so I figured it was a good time to defecate 'cause I had to do so for a few hours but held it in 'cause I can't defecate when people are around. Despite them being asleep it still took me a while because I also have difficulty doing it away from home. Success was eventually attained though. Then I tried to go back to sleep. Took me a few hours. I suddenly wasn't tired anymore and weird stuff kept racing through my mind. For some reason I was constantly seeing Guitar Hero gameplay. You know, the fretboard or whatever, with the different coloured circles scrolling down the screen? Except strangely, the colours were out of order. They were in the wrong columns. They also didn't seem to form an actual melody. Once I finally stopped seeing Guitar Hero, I had mental videos of me running into Maddi on the boardwalk and then hanging out with her all day. At one point I was like "Oh, hey, there's that thing from Pokemon Black and White!" (referring to the giant spinny thing in Nimbasa City, which strangely there really is one on the boardwalk irl) and she made me get on it with her despite my intense fear of heights. You know how they say you can conquer your fears by facing them head-on? Yeah, bullshit. I was terrified the whole time and held onto her really tight. We also took a ton of pictures, most of which showed us hugging, and uploaded them to show our Internet friends. I didn't actually see the uploading but she said she'd do it so I assume she did later, off-screen. At night she came back to our hotel room and she platonically and non-sexually slept in the same bed as me. We were both wearing clothes. No idea where her parents where. You'd think she'd have to ask them before having a sleepover. Other than that it was a p realistic and vivid fantasy. They usually are. Eventually though it did took a very sexual turn. I'm SOOOO sorry, Maddi. I platonically love you, man. :( But the good news is that I fell asleep afterwards, so!

So, the next morning we hit the boardwalk once more despite having already seen and done everything we wanted to. Joyce woke me up and told me it was soon check-out time, so after lying back down for a while to try and finish the platonic and non-sexual part of the Maddi fantasy from The Night Before (by The Beatles), I got up and fulfilled Joyce and Wendy's requests to change clothes, brush my teeth and have Joyce wash my hair. Joyce made me put on my swimming trunks and a t-shirt for some reason. I really shouldn't be wearing any kind of shorts in public because I have really hairy legs. Also there's the birthmark on my right knee, but that's not really as much of a concern. I also hate wearing t-shirts because A) They're extremely uncomfy, especially in the hotter seasons, B) There's no pocket to put my phone in, C) I have this weird thing aboot images of people "watching" me and I have to take my shirt off and put it face-down when I masturbate or defecate, and D) when wearing t-shirts in public, there's the risk of someone being like "Nice shirt". Most would consider this a good thing, but not me. I can never tell if they're talking to me or someone else who's near me, so when I hear someone say that I don't know what to do. If I say "Thanks", there's the risk of being embarrassed because it might turn out they're talking to someone else, and if I don't say anything, they might think I'm being rude. It's lose-lose! ...Oh, wow, why do I keep using that phrase today? Well anyway, guess what? Someone did say "Nice shirt". I have the luck of the Irish, don't I? Welp, I decided not to say anything in case they were saying it to someone else. I tried not to look for the speaker and just kept on walking with my head down. Hopefully they thought I just didn't hear them. I really need to stop leaving my house though. These kinds of things need to never happen again. Ever.

So, we headed back to the store I saw the t-shirts in, but it was closed. I know what you're thinking, "lol now he can't get his shirts because even though he wanted to do it last night his traveling party was too tired and wanted to do it today instead", right? Heh. Yeah, that pretty much is my luck. I was alright with it though. It was actually kind of relieving, because then I'd have extra money to spend on CDs when I go to the mall to get Join Us. But wouldn't ya know it, Joyce and Wendy were all obsessed with me getting my shirts, so we grabbed more Polish ice and sat down on a bench and waited. We actually had to head home soon because we were checked out of our hotel and couldn't park there anymore, and our new parking spot had a parking metre, so I hoped we'd run out of time before it opened, but it did not. The store opened and we went in to buy shirts. I got a Nirvana shirt and I wanted a Lady Gaga one so I could tweet a photo a photo of me wearing it and be like "@CelestialBeard HEY DAWG, LIKE MY SHIRT?" but Joyce was like "No, get Green Day instead" so I got Green Day. Both shirts are pretty cool. I'm fine with it. So yep, I now have a grand total of four t-shirts.

After getting into our car, we drove around for four hours, taking pictures of houses because Joyce and Wendy apparently want to buy a house in Wildwood. I keep trying to tell them that the cost of buying a house will probably outweigh the cost of renting hotel rooms every visit, considering they don't really go to Wildwood that often, but they're all "Yeah well, if we get a house then we'll come more often". I think they'll still be in the red though. Eventually we finally started home. The ride back was p shitty. I got bored with Pokemon so I just listened to music. And they kept trying to talk to me anyway. Usually to get me to grab them a soda from the cooler. And lemme tell ya, that thing was packed. Full. 'Cause we got fudge and stuff on the boardwalk to stick in there. So I had to root around through everything to grab the sodas from the very bottom. Then of course I couldn't get the stuff back into its original position, so the lid wouldn't close. I ended up smashing everything. But, we went to McDonald's again, so that was cool. All in all I suppose my Wildwood vacation was alright, despite all the bad parts. Also I got sunburned for the third time in the month I've been offline, so. Let's, um, let's all hope I don't get skin cancer.

Welp, that's pretty much it! Finally! This was one long ass-entry. Well heh, heh, part two is gonna be p long too, so prepare yourself...