Ann's Side of The Story on Kiwi Farms

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Hello, this is Anna. Yes, that Anna. Seriously. I know I cannot prove to you that it is, in fact, me, but please read this regardless. I want to address what happened and give my side of the story, and to address a few bits of misinformation. I do hope this info is of use.

This is gonna be a long post, and I do apologize for that; however, the full story is far too long to condense. Given the length of it, I'll post it under a spoiler.

Nick and I first met on a wiki for a long-forgotten webtoon several years ago. I was, I believe, 13 at the time--possibly 12, but given the timeline, 13 seems a bit more probable, so it almost certainly would have been in 2006 (my birthday is fairly early in the year). We became fast friends, because I was too fucking stupid to see that he was a creepy bastard.

In retrospect, there were a number of red flags that I really wish I had noticed. He was always clingy towards me, and frequently brought up his creepy fetishes. But, again, I didn't really notice. (Gimme a break--I was 13 and stupid.)

We actually became close enough that we would write actual, physical letters to each other. I had--and continue to have--several penpals, and I trusted him enough to give him my mailing address. This was, obviously, a huge mistake. So was exchanging cell phone numbers with him. Say it with me: I WAS 13 AND STUPID.

Now, there's one thing that I must note: I never gave Nick my home phone number or my street address. (The latter is different from my mailing address--my podunk little town runs on the P.O. box system.) This will be important later on.

His behavior didn't truly start scaring me until sometime in 2008. I remember him comforting me after a falling-out with a friend, which occurred about midway through the summer, but I was already starting to get a bit weirded out by the guy at this point. I wish I could remember what the straw that broke the camel's back was, but I really don't. All I know is that at some point, I blocked him on every IM client I used at the time.

For the next few months, I kept my fears secret from my parents, out of (unfounded, thank God) concern that they would blame me for what had happened. I distinctly remember my mom telling me I'd received a letter from him in (I think) October of 2008, and I told her to throw it away, saying he had been a dick and we weren't friends anymore. (Technically true, I suppose, but reductive at best.) However, this cover was blown late in the year--at some point in either late November or December, he called my house.

As I mentioned before, I NEVER gave Nick my home phone number, so I was naturally terrified. Luckily, my mom managed to cover for me, and was able to hang up. He hasn't called back since, as far as I know.

Obviously, the whole story came spilling out then. I'm very, very fortunate that my parents have been loving and supportive throughout this whole trial.

I must admit that I did not completely cut off contact with Nick at first. In fact, my old Twitter shows that I still talked to him up until late August of 2009. (Dumb as fuck of me, I know.) None of what I said to him was pleasant. Here are a few notable tweets from that old account of mine.http://i.imgur.com/MBoMGhi.png

Additionally, a (former) friend of mine by the name of Jessa--who I believe has been mentioned in this thread a few times--would try to organize "Anna Therapy", as she called it, in an attempt to make him less obsessed with me. This "therapy" consisted of MSN conversations between the three of us. Needless to say, it did absolutely nothing to help.

Fast-forward a bit, to 2011 and the infamous 789chan thread(s). This was where Maddi entered the picture--she had also been dealing with harrassment from Nick, and, if I recall correctly, may have been the OP of the initial thread. (She and I are actually pretty good friends these days, but that's irrelevant.) I also recall having to get my cell phone number changed roughly around the same time, since Nick would not stop texting me.

Another notable thing about 2011 is that I lost my virginity that year. Nick was insistent that this never actually happened and that I was lying about it. (When I came out as gay about a year and a half later, having realized that I wasn't actually attracted to men, he took that as "proof" that we hadn't "done stuff".) He began threatening to kill my then-boyfriend (who admittedly did egg Nick on a bit, though certainly not enough to earn death threats).

In general, Nick has not approved of any of my life decisions, such as starting college or dating people who aren't him. Hell, I'm pretty sure he didn't even want me to finish high school--I know he viewed dropping out as some sort of achievement, and I'm sure he was unhappy that I did, in fact, graduate.

I should also note that, fortunately, Nick has not attempted to contact me directly for a few years now. This is a small mercy, however, given that--as you all know, of course--he still tweets about me incessantly. I live in genuine fear that someday he'll try to contact me again, or worse, show up outside my house.

And that's the story from my end. I've probably forgotten a few things, but that's the general gist of it.

Now, to clear a few things up and add some extra info:

-I'm not sure where the idea that I was born in Canada came from. I was born in North Carolina and moved to California when I was six, and have never been a long-term resident of any other country, Canada obviously included. It's possible there's some confusion with Jessa there, since she actually is from Canada; however, I seem to recall him having an obsession with the country pretty much since we met.

-Regarding the Amber thing, I'm not sure he ever brought it up with me. (The Anna he was chatting with in the IM log posted in this thread is the other Anna, the one who lives in Britain or something. I don't know much about her, just that she's also named Anna.) However, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he did indeed molest her. I'm fairly sure he did admit to me that he's a pedophile, and given everything else about him, I've no reason to doubt that.

-Humorously enough, several of the things on Nick's "ideal girlfriend" list don't apply to me. I have several piercings and a tattoo with plans for more of both, I'm an agnostic deist rather than a Christian (though I was raised Anglo-Catholic), I'm actually a bit flinchy about physical contact and thus wouldn't call myself a "hug monster", I have a vagina, I'm not into poop, and I'm not a virgin. The one that strikes me as odd is the "not a vegetarian" thing, though. I was actually raised vegetarian, and remained so until I was around 17. I guess that just proves how little he cares about me as a person, that he doesn't know that.

-I'm sure this has already been mentioned, but Bate isn't his real last name--his full name is Nickalaus Stoutzenberger. (Yes, really.) He's also been using "Nick Nickel" as an alias lately, as shown on his Twitter--Nickel being my last name.

-Any references to someone named "Jo" on his Twitter are of special note. My given name is Johanna, though I've gone exclusively by Anna since before meeting Nick. Jo was a childhood nickname, and for some time he used that on his Twitter to refer to me, apparently as an incredibly shitty attempt at obfuscating who he was truly referring to.

-My family and I did attempt to get the authorities involved--several times, in fact. However, the sheriff dismissed our concerns entirely, and the DA was unable to do much given the fact that Nick lives in another state.

All in all, Nick is a terrible excuse for a human being. He's an abusive, manipulative borderline sociopath with no regard for other people, he's quite likely delusional (I say "quite likely" because it's entirely possible he doesn't believe a word he says about fate and God and all that), and he's disgusting on every possible level. I truly hope he gets locked up, and frankly I won't feel entirely safe in the world unless and until he does.

Thanks for reading. I hope I was able to shed some light on the situation.

Ed Note: Here's the link. 

The Nick

I made a bit of progress making my fighting game. Mostly the planning though, like everyone's attacks.

Starting small with a demo version with 10 playable characters (full version will have 50)

Demo version characters: me, my wife, Jessa, Baby, Goliath, Akagi, Maddi, Nikki, Ondine, Thom.

Yeah man, if Jessa and Maddi licked and sucked the taste of eachother's rectums off of my penis, that'd be my best day 'til I marry my wife.

Penises are like AC adapters and rectums are the ootlets. Anal intercourse gives us the energy we need to remain pooered-on.

Why have I never foond the perfect porn yet? There's like a bajillion porn sites and they all fucking SUCK.

I'm sad. I got two new a2m videos yesterday but the one had a cut between the anal and fellatio and also the framerate was SHIT and in the other the chick had tattoos and piercings and it also showed her vagina throughoot ALL of the anal. Ugh. Why.

So my day care thing to prevent me from torturing, sodomizing, mutilating, dismembering, murdering and eating humans is three days a week

No man that one thing can NOT be true ever

Oh but hey just in case is there a way to make myself not care so I wouldn't have to kill myself and stuff

J-Date, if she's done Things with not-me, I'll never be able to live. I'd never be able to enjoy anything anymore knowing that.

As is, I ALREADY can't, sorta. I just CONSTANTLY panic aboot what if it happened and I can't play video games or watch tv or w/e

I can't exist if Things happened. I would have to stop existing completely. Like not go to either Heaven OR Hell. Just vanish.

And like not have a consciousness anymore and not be able to perceive or think or anything.

It can NOT happen, J. I'm her soulmate; she can only do Things with ME

Every waking moment since June 2010 when Maddi first told me has just been a complete living Hell, dude

Just... constantly. Nothing has been able to distract me. I'll be sitting there playing a game or w/e and then I just freak oot

The only thing that could possibly save me if it happens is if time travel is invented and someome oes back and stops it

But I don't know, that might not even change the present, it might just create an alternate timeline branching off at that point

so really it jist has to never happen

June 16th, 2013

P So, long story and also the only way I know hoo to tell it is nonsequentially. So uh, the other day, like two days ago I think, I read something I wasn't really supposed to. Not like legally or morally, just... I wasn't supposed to. I dunno. Anyway I was reading this thing and it said something has happened... Noo, I'm hoping it was a lie and the thing didn't actually happen and that it was put there specifically in case I foond it. Plus a close, trusted friend has assured me numerous times over three years that it's a lie and they have proof of this. They have never shown me the proof, but they've been extremely helpful in the past so I just took their word for it. I've often had moments of doobt though, like what if my friend is just trying to protect my feelings or something, usually after someone tells me the thing did happen which is a lot. Like every day. They intentionally use it to drive me insane. Which actually is a bit comforting because then I think they probably did just make it up just to use against me like that. But I dunno man... lately shit's been snowballing. Like, a close friend who defected to the other side had a fallig-oot with the other side and noo is sort of back to mine, kinda, yet she still insists the thing happened. I shrugged it of kinda quickly because well maybe she didn't even really switch sides and it's just a clever plot to get me to believe the thing. Then in an odd coincidence someone else had a falloot with one of my other friends and they told me that other friend has been lying to me for like... I dunno, seven years? I still don't know what to make of this as both of them have been cool to me all those years. Then I read another thing people probably don't know I can see, which also said the thing happened. Of course, it was also a joke but that doesn't necessarily mean it's not also true. But then my friend again was like no man it didn't happen. But then I read the thing the other day too. Which was not a joke. It was kind of a freakoot, actually. Noo, mystery people keep leaking things to me so I guess it's possible it was set up specifically for meto see, like.. you know, the "leak" was acthally not a leak and the person it's aboot is in on it? Dear god I hope so. This crap has been tormenting me for three years since the rumours of the thing having happened first emerged. In fact, before my friend told me it was a lie a different friend (whose allegiance has been extremely questionable beginning like immediately beforehand) first told me it did happen and I completely freaked the fuck oot for a few hoors. This friend appeared to be reliable since I met her, then was openly abusive towards me (which my other friend said is part of a plan which... noo I'm questioning if there's actually a plan or not), and noo she seems to have completely gone to the other side quite suddenly. So that's confusing. Supposedly, what my enemies say is that she was screwing me over all along, since we first met. Which would of course mean she could've been in on a conspiracy to tell me the thing happened when it really didn't. And if my other friend's plan is real, that means the same thing except she's actually on my side but pretending to be against me to infiltrate the enemy ranks and help me oot. A third option, which my friend who sorta defected from tne enemy side to kind of mine maybe claims, is that she originally liked me but later hated me for whatever reason. Not sure what that means for her credibility. Anyway, with all this mixed evidence I have no idea what's going on. I just have to hang on to the hope that somehoo the thing never happened and never will because lord knows I would definitely have to commit suicide. I could never live with that knowledge. Shit, I can barely function in my Schroedinger's cat state of not knowing one way or the other. Nothing I do successfully distracts me from wondering. I'll be just hanging oot playing a video game and suddenly I just break doon and have haunting mental images of what if the thing happens. I even recently started therapy and got medicated buf it's not really helping. Not with this one specific thing anyway. So yeah. No idea what the hell to do.

Recently listened to the recordings of my phone calls with Maddi again. She's so cute. We should date again.

Defecation Survey

@FagPrime oh, a few years ago I made a survey of 50 defecation-related questions, do you think my wife would fill it oot? Also you and maddi

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1) How often do you defecate? How many times per day/week?
2) Around what time of day do you defecate most often?
3) Do you enjoy defecating?
4) Once you sit down on the toilet, how long does it take for the feces to actually come out?
5) What do you think about while defecating? Are you focused on the defecation itself, or do you think about other things?
6) How often do you get diarrhea?
7) Do you fart while defecating?
8) How big is your feces, usually?
10) Does it have corn chunks in it?
11) Is it soft or hard?
12) Do you strain to defecate, or just relax and let it come out by itself?
14) What motion do you use? Do you wipe in a circle or up and down? Do you try to clean inside too?
15) How many fingers do you wipe with? Which ones?
16) Which hand do you wipe with? Do you reach around your back or through your legs?
17) Do you wash your hands afterward?
18) Do you ever clog the toilet?
20) Are you comfortable defecating when other people are nearby?
21) Have you ever defecated outdoors? If so, explain. Where was it? What were the circumstances? What did you wipe with? Did anyone see you?
22) Are you aroused by the thought of defecating on someone, being defecated on, other people being defecated on, or any combination of the three?
23) Have you ever touched your own feces?
24) When sitting on the toilet, do you slouch, sit up straight, or lean over?
25) Are your legs spread or closed?
9) What colour is it? Be specific-- if it is brown, is it light, dark, or medium brown?
12+1) Do you wipe afterwards? If so, do you fold the toilet paper neatly or crumple it into a ball?
19) Are you comfortable defecating in someone else's house?
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26) How far are your pants/skirt and panties pulled down? Ankles, calves, knees, mid-thigh, etc? Or are they removed completely? What do you do with other clothing items such as shirts, bras, dresses, socks, shoes, etc?
27) Are your feet flat on the floor, lifted, or do you push up with your toes? Do you tap your foot/feet, or bounce your leg(s)?
28) Do you point your feet inward or straight out? Do you curl your toes?
29) What do you look at?
30) What do you do with your arms?
32) Have you ever had a conversation with anyone while defecating? In person, on the phone, and/or via IM?
33) Have you ever shown anyone a photo of your feces, or even your feces itself?
34) Do you ever do anything else while defecating (video games, music, masturbation, eating, etc.?)
35) Do you put toilet paper or anything on the seat, or just sit on it without any layers in between?
36) Has anyone ever seen you defecate? Have you ever seen anyone else defecate?
37) Do you close the lid after defecating?
38) What was your worst/most embarrassing defecation moment?
39) Have you ever accidentally forgotten to flush?
40) What is your opinion of feces and defecation? Is it sexy, fun, pleasurable, funny, and/or or gross, or do you have no opinion?
41) In what order do you flush, close the lid, wipe, stand up, and pull your panties/pants/skirt back up?
42) Do you ever squat to defecate?
43) Does you feces smell good or bad? Do you spray perfume or anything after defecating?
44) Do you ever miss anything while wiping? Do you find feces stains in your panties and/or on your washrag when you bathe?
45) Does your anus ever burn or itch after defecation?
47) Have you ever tried to intentionally induce diarrhea?
31) Have you ever defecated in your pants (excluding as a baby, obviously)? Explain. How old were you? How did it happen? Where were you? Did anyone notice? What did you do aboot it?
46) Do you ever think aboot other people defecating?
48) How do you feel aboot me masturbating to mental images of you defecating? Can I have photos/video of your feces and/or you defecating?
49) What terms do you prefer: feces/defecated/defecating/defecation, poop/pooped/pooping, poo/pood/pooing, or shit/shat/shitting?
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50) Do you ever get constipated? Do you use enemas and/or laxatives?

BONUS! Are there any additional notes concerning your feces/defecation you can share that weren't covered by any of these 

this was requested of me.

MORE RECENT THINGS.

Basically yeah trolls out the wazoo, harrassing me on Twitter. And Maddi continues leaking stuff I do/say to them. And um I dunno what else. It took me a few months to get back here to Dad's because apparently stuff was going on there/here and his girlfriend was in a bad mood so he didn't want me to have to suffer that. But eventually he was like "eh okay it's been awhile" and here I am.

My to-do list is pretty big, but most of it involves Anna. I recently received advice from the unlikliest of advisors, and I guess at this point I'm desperate to do anything so boosh-- doin' it. Basically the plan is to refrain from discussing Anna publicly so she thinks I'm over her or something, then she contacts me. Unfortunately I had a bunch of Anna-related things stocked up so I kinda have to take care of those but once they're out of the way it should be smooth sailing.

Christmas was as expected. None of my loved ones (the Annas, Maddi, Jessa, etc.) were around, I still didn't get a laptop, etc. I did get a coffeemaker and a bunch of coffee paraphernalia though. Creamers and grounds and whathaveyou. But still. It was depressing. I drew a picture of what I wish Christmas was like.

January 7th, 2012

The following was written during the several months I wasn't able to go to Dad's, so a lot of it's really outdated and compared to more recent happenings, too unimportant to post. But I'd hate to waste a thing it took me that long to write, so here it is anyway.
The following was written during the several months I wasn't able to go to Dad's, so a lot of it's really outdated and compared to more recent happenings, too unimportant to post. But I'd hate to waste a thing it took me that long to write, so here it is anyway.

'Sup gais?! So, last time my stay at Dad's went p well. I knocked the big stuff of my to-do list, which was mainly putting my newest List of Canonical Favourite Recording Artists addition (Joanna Newsom. I know, what with almost every other artist on the list being alt-rock, it doesn't make sense for me to like an indie-folk artist. Yeah well, I don't go by genres, I go by artists. For example, Last.fm is always telling me to listen to stuff that's similar to TMBG but turns out I don't like things similar to TMBG. Just TMBG themselves. I can't even recognize genres anyway. Dunno why. I don't get most of music theory. Keys, octaves, time signatures, rhythm. It's all Greek to me. But I digress.) on my iPod and uploading stuff I made. I also achieved a major win when I got one of Anna N's friends to admit one of the details of The Thing was a lie. Unfortunately, she only came clean aboot that one specific detail and not The Thing as a whole yet. Yet. It'll come oot eventually.
I also helped Dad disassemble a pool a little bit each day. Apparently the purpose of it is to take the aluminum to the recycling place and get paid or something. The whole thing was a real chore. Pretty much 90% of it was taking a drill and getting all the screws out. After that, we just smashed it apart with a sledgehammer. The sledgehammering was actually pretty fun. Due to my larping, I'm pretty decent at swinging motions. Actually, Dad mentioned that I'm pretty strong, but I think it really depends on what I'm doing. Like, even though I have really forceful swings, I'm not great at lifting stuff, or holding boards down while someone else saws/hammers nails in, or anything else that requires strength. Just swinging. Maybe punching too, but I've never really tried punching anything other than the air. All I know is, I keep throwing my back out holding my cats, so I'm preeeetty sure it's just swinging. Plus, I made ki flames, so that amplified my strength and agility higher than the default values. Also I jumped during the up-swings to gain more force, so... kinda cheated a lot.
So back at the not-Internet abode, I started watching a couple new shows mainly due to hype in the news and/or networks I was already watching acquiring rights to air them in syndication. They actually turned oot to be p okay so I continued watching them. Nothing else to do, ya know? Unfortunately, TV-watching is a very hectic hobby to figure out, because A) a lot of things overlap eachother, causing me to have to make choices, and B) most everything's on from 7 PM until 6 AM with few (if any) breaks between shows, so I don't have much time left over to do other stuff. I really dug my own grave this time. I should probably stop trying new things. Also, please note that the shows haven't been added to my List of Obsessions. They're pretty much just regular interests, like normal people have. Unlike things that are Obsessions, it's not a big deal if I miss an airing or two. I don't even really keep up with new episodes either. Well, I kinda do, but if I'm doing something else at the time then I forsake it and continue whatever I'm doing. TV is more of a thing to do when there ain't nothin' else to do. I dunno. It's complicated; I can't really explain. You non-aspies probably understand it anyway. (Can I call myself an aspie without actually being diagnosed? Everyone knows I am one...)

The current season of The Office has got me to thinking aboot some things. The first thing being Dwight's assistant (I forget his name... isn't it something like "Nate"?) keeps saying odd things that apply to me, and I'm wondering if maybe they're more symptoms of autism and/or Asperger's or something. Like, okay, the first time I took notice was during the "Lotto" episode when he said something aboot when there's a lot of noise going on at the same time, he can't hear very well. I took notice of this because, as I said in the Wildwood entry, I have this same problem-- even though my actual ears are fine AFAIK, when there's a lot of different sounds going on at the same time I have trouble making out any specific one. Like, in high school, on the bus rides I talked to the kid who sat behind me, but half the time I couldn't make out what he was saying because there's also the sound of the engine, other kids talking, etc. It wasn't a matter of volume, just... a lot of different sounds going on at once. It also affects my ability to hear all the instruments in music. I can only "zoom in" on one instrument at a time. But anyway yeah, I shrugged it off at first but then that dude said another thing that caught my attention in a later episode. The Christmas one, to be exact. When Val made a joke aboot the people in the office being "popsicles", whats-his-name misinterpreted it to mean that they're so rich they can afford to eat popsicles a lot, when really it means they have metaphorical sticks up their butts. But yeah, I misinterpet a lot of things in the same way. When I hear a new phrase, my brain instantly comes up with a complex explanation/definition that makes perfect sense to me, but then later when I actually look it up it turns out it really means something a lot simpler than what I assumed it meant. I don't know how to explain this. I can't think of any examples right now but it happens to me a lot. Anyway, between that and the hearing thing, I wonder if they're symptoms of something? I do often discover that a lot of my characteristics are Asperger's symptoms when prior to my research I never really gave them any thought. Like, I just kinda accept that they're normal things. But then WHAM, a trip to the Internet reveals it's an Asperger's symptom. Like, really often. Every time I go to Dad's, pretty much.

Another whimsical thing I noticed on The Office is that Robert California seems to be obsessed with Sesame Street. Last season finale he mentioned he learned aboot paper from the show, then on "The List" he randomly talks to Jim aboot Sesame Street again for no apparent reason, and then at Halloween we find out his son's name is Bert. I suppose it's a bit of a stretch (I do tend to jump to wild conclusions when it comes to shows... especially Bonus Stage), but I hope not. I hope it's an actual running gag/part of his character. The mental image of such an intimidating dude like that watching Sesame Street religiously amuses me greatly. Someone should tell Scootle aboot this. He'd probably be amused by it too. He also seemed to like my theory aboot David Wallace being the Scranton Strangler, because he RT'd it. Unless he meant it like how most people RT me when I say something unintentionally hilarious.

I've been on a baking spree lately. First was chocolate chip cookies, then a chocolate chip cake for a costume party (which Joyce finally bought me a fedora for!), and then Nanny found this recipe book she apparently had lying around for years but never noticed before. I made these "mocha drops" from it, which turned out alright. Almost learned how to marble things and also what "folding" means. Also, fudge and then more chocolate chip cookies, and then biscotti, then sugar cookies (Joyce blackmailed me into that one with McDonald's), then "cake in a mug", then brownies, then cake in a mug again, then even more chocolate chip cookies. Most of this stuff was fairly new to me; I usually just make chocolate chip cookies. So naturally mistakes were made. The fudge was completely ruined, as it turns out there's two different kinds of sugar and, not realizing this, I used the wrong kind. I used granulated when it was supposed to be confectioner's. I'm assuming confectioner's sugar has a much more subtle taste than granulated because the result basically tastes like eating a spoonful of straight-up sugar. Which I do sometimes. I also have difficulty marbling, so the mocha drops and biscotti looked weird. I don't think it affected the taste though. P much just aesthetic. I also misinterpreted the directions for the cake and ended up mixing together things that were supposed to be layered. I guess it didn't matter. Everyone liked it. You know what this means, right? I can cook for my wife and kids someday! ^_^ Also, apparently Nanny doesn't know what a mug is. The "cake in a mug", as the name suggests, was this tiny tiny cake you make in a coffee mug. I got out a mug and Nanny started yelling at me, saying that's a cup, not a mug. Then she pulls out this huge bowl that has a handle (and that I use for cans of soup too large to fit in your average bowl) and she said that was a mug. I ignored her stupidity and used the actual mug. When it obviously turned out fine, I rubbed it in her face. Fun day.

I had a terrible day on November first. I went to the mall to get the new TMBG rarities collection, but everything went wrong all at once. Joyce still hadn't given me the rest of the money she owed me for painting her garage a few months back, so I could p much only afford TMBG and one other CD. Or so I thought. We got groceries right before heading to the mall, but Joyce didn't have enough for everything, so she borrowed twelve bucks from me. So now I was down to just TMBG. OR SO I THOUGHT. Upon getting to the mall and searching both the "new releases" section and TMBG's section, it dawned on me that once again, a release date had been pushed back (Shh, I know, I'll get to it later) and I had to find out the hard way due to my lack of Internet access. Join Us all over again... So then I looked around at other recording artists I liked. I found four things that picqued my interest. I mean, there was a lot more than four things I still need, but these ones in particular were prioritized because I assume they won't be there for very long-- the store I go to has a really random selection of displayed items.

While looking at Beatles stuff I saw a bizarre collection I've never heard of before, of stuff they did with Tony Sheridan back before their first album. I was p much like "yeah man, gettin' this" but I figured I'd look around more and see if there was anything else I wanted even more. Then I found out they remastered Nevermind (just like they did with Bleach not long ago!) and rereleased it with a bonus disc of b-sides and stuff. Sadly, I didn't have the money for it. I also noticed there was a Joanna Newsom section, which surprised the crap out of me. They lack a few of my favourite artists, including Jack Off Jill who I'm p sure was fairly famous, so I didn't think they'd have her either. But they did. All they had was Have One on Me, though. Which I couldn't afford either, because, you know, three discs. I should probably get it next time I have money before it goes the way of TheSTART-- they had one of their CDs one time and then never again. Also of much confusion was that she was in the pop/rock aisles. The last thing I stumbled upon was the three-disc version of A Best of Us...for the Rest of Us by Reel Big Fish. Unlike Have One on Me, this was p cheap because it was on sale for some reason. Three discs for eleven bucks? Hells yeah, I thought. I assume it's probably limited edition, too, so yeah. So I got it. But next time I have money I'm gonna try to get those other three. They probably won't have them anymore though. Like I said, they always have a weird selection that changes each time I go there.
I had an interesting dream the one night. The vast majority of my dreams are interesting, especially the ones with my recurring locations/characters/events in them, but yeah. For some reason, there was some sort of gathering at my biological mum's place and in addition to her relatives were Thom, Anna, Jerkemy, and Anna's parents. Apparently my social phobia doesn't exist in the Dream World, because I was being very vocal aboot my hatred of Anna's stupid boyfriend. I was making quite a scene, actually. Probably ruining everyone's good times. Think Michael Scott at literally every party shown on The Office. At one point I just started crying and grabbed Thom for a consolation hug. Oddly enough, he obliged. Even odder though was that he was wearing a tux. Probably because I've been drawing him like that lately. No idea why. But anyway, what I took from the dream was maybe I should just not try and cure my social phobia at all. I mean, if I'll just be a dick anyway, maybe it's best for everyone if I just never talk to anyone. Sidenote, I noticed my condition is kind of like Raj from The Big Bang Theory's. Except, you know, not limited to just females. Maybe I should be drunk all the time too.

Once I got more phone minutes I immediately used ten of them to load up the TMBW page on Album Raises New and Troubling Questions to find out what happened with it. Turns out it was never meant to be released in stores; it's a digital download with a limited supply of CDs available on their website. AAAUGH another digital-only release. >< I hate when they do that, because A) I have very sparse periods of Internet access, B) they always use mp3 format, so there's quality loss, C) I just plain like having physical things, and D) I don't have a bank account or credit cards or anything. Also apparently the CD is only there for a limited time. Well, I guess it's not as bad as Almanac, which never had a physical release at all. Also, The Spine Hits the Road. And the original Venue Songs. And every live show ever. Except for Live!! New York City 10/14/94. But I digress. Luckily Joyce had a couple more painting jobs for me to do and I managed to get paid and ask my b-mum to preorder it for me. It came with a free mp3 download, so I listened to it even before the CD arrived. It's pretty great. I tried listing my favourite tracks from it but it ended up being pretty much all of them. Mixed feelings aboot Havalina being on it. It's a great song and I think TMBG did the original justice p well (I listen to the Pixies, so) and I'm glad it's a lot more accessible now, but... I dunno man, I already had Dig for Fire: A Tribute to Pixies and I was hoping to let Anna listen to the track and she'd be all "OMG THIS IS AWESOME HOW DID YOU EVEN GET THIS", 'cause, like, as thorough as she is when it comes to TMBG, I don't think she collects the various artists compilations like I do. Well, I dunno, hopefully I still have other rare finds to show her, like... I have the 1985 Demo Tape, Wiggle Diskette, all the commercial singles/EPs and a couple inconsistent promotional ones, a few Dial-a-Song demos, bootlegs, etc.... I mean yeah, mp3 format, but she doesn't mind sound quality. Sometimes we're so different... Heh.

Maddi kinda really screwed me over again. Apparently she made another Nick thread on /cwc/ and this time it got me an ED article. So now that I've been brought to pretty much the entire Internet's attention I've had trolls harrassing the crap out of me on Twitter and stuff. Not really sure what to do aboot it. I hate to argue with them, because that's what they want-- to read the stuff I say and lol at my sperginess, but really once you're dox'd you're basically fucked. If you ignore them, they make fun of you. If you talk to them, they make fun of you. It's lose-lose. Jessa claims they got a lawyer to ban me from California, but... come on, man. Come on. A) I would have been notified somehow, B) they're not gonna do that without giving me a trial or whatever to defend myself (epsecially since I haven't even done anything), and C) p sure that'd be outside the powers of a lawyer anyway. I don't know why they keep coming up with all these ridiculous things. Also Jerkemy picked a fight with me for a few days. Turns out he really is a jerk. Like, big-time. Not even just in the argument; he kept responding to all my regular tweets that weren't even aimed at him (like aboot when I messed up baking the fudge and stuff) and kept throwing insults at me like, constantly, for no reason whatsoever. Also apparently he's a troll because he posted the whole thing on /cwc/. I don't know why Anna would date a douche like that. Especially a troll.

So yeah Maddi kinda ruined my pre-life and possibly part of my future actual life too. Why does she keep doing this? Well... not much I can do at the moment but keep working on Anna. Maybe when I turn out to be the only one right out of hundred of thousands, they'll shut the hell up aboot me being crazy and stuff. But anyway, even though it should go withoot saying, I'mma go ahead and say it anyway, in case it isn't: if you read my ED article or hear stuff floating aroond aboot me online, it's not true. I mean, there's some truth in there, but... you know how trolls roll. It's all twisted into insults/slander/libel. Like, obviously the situation with Anna exists, but I'm not a stalker or whatever. And obviously I never molested any children. Et cetera, et cetera. Hey Maddi, can you like, stop posting our DMs on /cwc/ and stuff? You said you regretted posting that first thread, but then, like, you did it again. And then continued to do so. Even more. It's kind of irritating and is screwing me over pretty majorly because as I said, my dumb b-family keeps thinking I did something to initiate trolls calling them and then they yell at me and stuff. I still platonically love you though, *hug*.

So in summation... did things online that most people would find mundane but not me because Asperger's, destroyed a pool, watched TV, apparently I enjoy baking, had a sorta psychic-ish dream, digital downloads upset me greatly, and oh yeah I have trolls on my ass (figuratively speaking). I have the boringest pre-life. When can my actual life start?

a Christmas thing I drew.

@RaptorGrant idk it didn't go well

The World's Worst Guitarist

here.

PART TWO: MORE EMO WHINING

In this entry, I'm gonna be doing a lot of whining. Don't worry, it's not aboot Anna for once. It's something else. The *chan thing. LJ Cut time!

The situation with the channers is starting to get to me. I'm p much over all my accounts being hijacked, so now I'm focused on the other thing. You know, the stuff they keep posting aboot me. Psychoanalyzing me and whatnot. I seriously hate when people do that. My biological mom's been doing it my whole life, telling people I do weird things to get attention. It's the most annoying thing. It's completely untrue, and in fact, is the polar opposite of the truth. I don't know why people keep ignoring the fact that I really hate being around other people... I literally just want to live alone in some secluded wilderness with my wife and kids, far away from any other people. Except if/when our friends visit or whatever. That'd be fine. It'd be cool to hang out with Jessa and Maddi irl. Y'know, if Jessa ever likes me again. Other than my immediate non-biological family and friends I would really rather nobody knows I even exist (which I guess is ruined now). Also, I don't even understand people who do do weird stuff for attention. I mean, yes, it's really sad that society sucks and hates everything, but shouldn't they be doing something that is accepted by society instead? Like, if someone wanted attention, couldn't they just become an actor or start a band or something? Idk. I just do weird stuff because I actually like the stuff. It's who I am. I suppose it would probably be smart to not tell people aboot my quirks, but meh. I don't like lying or hiding things. It feels really wrong and my friends wouldn't even really be my friends-- they'd be friends with a lie. :/

But anyway yeah, the thing that really bothers me is how they word stuff. Normally I wouldn't even pay any mind to untrue rumours (and even less to things that are actually true), but the way they never use "weasel words" really strikes a nerve. It makes it sound as if the stuff has been confirmed somehow, like I admitted to it or something, so people who don't know the whole story read the stuff and assume it's true. Even when they say, like, "he did this stuff, but denies it", that still doesn't help anything because then it sounds like I'm in denial or something. (Btw, they actually do say I'm in denial too, so that sucks.) If it were a few people saying things aboot me, I wouldn't care so much considering I already have all of you-know-who's friends doing it, but dayumn. I don't know how many people are on that imageboard, but I assume anywhere from hundreds to hundreds of thousands. So like, a tenth of the world hates me or whatever the fraction would be. I dunno, I suck at math. Let's see... what are some of the other things they keep saying? Um, well okay, I saw that this one guy had a theory on why I don't want The Thing to happen. Again, no weasel words were used. He said something along the lines of I'm being selfish and just want A Thing to myself. And some other guy for some reason thought I treat women like objects. That's... I can't even... Dude, everyone who knows me knows I'm p much the least bigoted person ever! >_<

And I guess someone referred to my catchphrase "Kentucky Don't Exist!" as a forced meme. Not exactly an insult, but still. Not a meme, yo. It was never intended to catch on. It's just my thing. And some idiot was all "lololol he doesn't know what words mean" in response to my FF7 video. No, you fool; I meant I was working on a perfect game but haven't completed it yet. It's incomplete. And, um, a couple people were saying I used something called "circular logic" in trying to defend myself, and I guess using circular logic makes your argument automatically invalid somehow? I dunno, it sounds stupid. No matter how I try to defend myself they pull out some science word explaining why everything I say is wrong. Also, "Everything Right Is Wrong Again". So then I just gave up. Hopefully everyone just stops caring by themselves and leaves me alone. But probably not. Because they're dicks. In a dick town. Okay, Nick, that's enough TMBG references for today.

I don't even get why they're doing this. What's the point in picking on someone who's different? What on earth do you gain from it? They would've actually gained more by not changing my passwords, because then I could continue posting things and they could lol aboot how stupid I am or whatever. Plus, everyone is different in some way. Why are some characteristics privvy to ridicule but not others? What are the exact mechanics that determine which traits people persecute others for possessing? The whole thing seems stupid to me. Speaking of stupid things, I also read that some people were lolling aboot how I think people would actually care aboot the mundane things I post on Twitter and whatnot. ...Um. Are you, like, completely new to Twitter or something? The whole point of the site is to post mundane shit nobody would get enjoyment out of. You don't post the stuff to entertain other people, you just do it because it's fun. I'm well aware nobody likes my tweets. I'm not tweeting for them, geez. Also, sometimes I write myself notes so I don't forget stuff. I dunno, literally absolutely nothing they say makes any sense whatsoever. Sometimes I wonder if they actually believe the dumb things they're saying or if they're just screwing with me.

Also, irritated by people making fun of my art. The Coffee Crew is a cartoon - it's intetionally drawn in a cartoony style. You're supposed to be focusing on the writing, not the art. That's why you never hear people bitch aboot the art on other cartoons, like South Park or Family Guy or Bonus Stage or whatever. Although yeah, the writing I've posted sucks too. I've been working on it though. The last comics I posted were from, like, 2007 or something, weren't they? I've gotten better at both the art and writing since then, but still have this complex that a script has to be perfect before I make it into a cartoon. I've got good storylines and good jokes, but I'm havin' trouble finding a good balance of the two. Seems like I can only do one or the other. It's tough getting humour to come up organically in the storylines, and if I focus on just humour then there's no plot. And I want plot. And that's why there's still been zero episodes after six years (well it's between that, my lack of equipment, not having reliable Internet access, and my voice actors hating me)! I wish I could describe what I intend for The Coffee Crew to to be like, but I dunno how to. Some dude theorized that I'm trying to be like Jhonen Vasquez. I don't know who that is so I can neither confirm nor deny. I assume it was meant as an insult though. But anyway, enough emo shit.

Finally, there's one last topic I wanted to discuss. You know that disease I've had since 2006 but haven't figured out what it is? Well, a new thing happened with it that maybe someone can make sense of and diagnose me. So, one recent morning I decided to sleep in the opposite direction, with my head nearer to the air conditioner, which was turned on. I slept for maybe two hours and then woke up for no reason, and suddenly my nose was clear (it's constantly stuffy), the roof of my mouth was really cold, and-- not to be gross, but it's kinda unavoidable when discussing my ailments-- my mouth was filled up with some sort of goo, presumably either snot, stomach acid, semen or spinal fluid because I hovered over the sink and opened my mouth, and it was kinda whitish and thick and dripped out really slowly. My mouth is constantly filled with goo, but this time it was a lot more than usual. However, not as much as years ago when I used to have attacks after eating certain foods. Then, after spitting it all out I turned the air conditioner off and laid back down the other way, and the random burning in my chest/upper-abdomen happened. Sometimes I think maybe the chest/upper-abdomen thing is unrelated to the mouth-goo, but occasionally they seem to overlap. But then again, I dunno, they're in two completely different body parts. Also, dunno if either one is related to the cough or not. Sometimes it seems like the burning happens first, then I have the coughing fit, and then my mouth fills up, but not always. Also, my esophagus used to make weird noises occasionally. It might just be a red herring, though, as it stopped when I accidentally graduated from high school (quite literally right afterwards, which is suspicious), and one of my friends (whom shall remain nameless due to a recent incident in which they got mad at me for telling someone something aboot them that I didn't realize was a secret (kinda seems like maybe they should've told me it was a secret when they told it to me, but whatev)) who has/had it too never mentioned having any other symptoms in common with me. So I dunno. Someone, figure out what in the fudge is wrong with me so I can take the correct medication. Back when I was still insured and consequentially able to see a doctor, he misdiagnosed me three times until I was like "okay, not even bothering anymore". And that's the end of today's LJ entry.

With platonic love (except to jerks),

Dr. Nickalaus "Nick" B.S.L.B.N., Ph.D.
Attending Physician
Nick's Proctology Hospital

PS - I'm not making fun of Canadians. This is literally how I talk, even irl. Canadians don't even really say "aboot" or "eh". It's just a stereotype. Well I mean, I'm sure some do say that stuff (considering there's 60 billion people on Earth, none of whom are exactly the same), but for that matter so do people from other countries, so yeah. Not an exclusive Canadian thing. Again, I'm the least bigoted person ever. (Also, swing that judgmental pendulum back the other way-- don't you think it's kinda odd that as soon as you see me saying "aboot" you thought of Canadians? ;D)

PS2 - Hi, channers. I just responded to every one of your posts. Would you kindly sit and spin now? Go on, git. Take your ridiculously incorrect armchair psychology elsewhere. St. Elsewhere.

PSP - No, I'm not really a doctor. It's a thing that I do. God! Stop forcing me to explain things! It ruins it!

PS3 - I would never lie aboot someone behind their back. Not only is it just plain wrong and would make me and my conspirators terrible people, but also the innocent strangers who read the post and thus weren't informed that it was a lie would think it's the truth, so now I'm lying to a bunch more people. And what if the person I was lying aboot found out somehow? Say, if the person I lied to, whom I don't realize knows the lie-victim's name, looked up all their dox and gave them a call? Because as well as I'd think we covered all the angles to support the illusion, they'd still know it's a lie. Bet they'd be p angry when they find out, probably never speak to me again. Maybe take mutual friends with them, too. They'd be especially enraged if I did it just to piss someone off. Techically I could do a thing that would make the lie not a lie anymore, but that would be incredibly stupid. The stupidest thing ever, in fact. Plus they could still be told that the lie occurred before it became a not-lie. And they would be provided with proof of the date. Maybe the only way to not be snitched on is to never make the lie true. Ever. And I'd have to not do anything in the whole arena of the lie, not just the specific thing I lied aboot. And I couldn't just say I won't do the thing(s). They'd have their ways of knowing if I'm really sticking to my promise or not. There'd be many layers to their awareness of my actions. Even though I'd take actions to "BLOCK" the first, most obvious layer, and even the previously-hidden-but-suspicious second layer may have been revealed, there'd still be many more layers I'm not aware of and will never be aware of. Yeah.

UGH.

I've been trying to keep Anna things off of my LJ but I no longer have access to the place I was channeling it all into because of the jerk channers taking over most of my accounts, so I kinda have to put it here. Sorry. If you're one of the people trying to stay out of it, just ignore this post.

 EDIT: UGH WHY IS LJ CUT NOT WORKING

The Anna Quest is going horribly at the moment. A few weeks ago, one of my friends decided to post a thread aboot me on an imageboard for some reason. A bunch of douchebag chantards hate me now and hacked most of my accounts and called my mom telling her I molested my half-sister (which I didn't, of course), but this isn't aboot all that. Apparently the thread attracted the attention of Anna and Jessa somehow, and for whatever reason they posted in it that Anna had sex with her jerk boyfriend Jeremy (whom I like to call Jerkemy). I have oodles of evidence that they're most likely lying just to upset me, but nothing concrete.

Their plan is sure as hell working. I don't know exactly why the thought of her having sex with someone upsets me so much (although I do know a lot of other bad repercussions), but it does. A lot. Anna having sex is constantly on my mind, traumatizing me. Literally, constantly. I can't even distract myself with video games or TV or music or whatever as I usually do when shit upsets me. "In Fact" (by They Might Be Giants), it kinda adds on to it. Every time I try to listen to TMBG now, it reminds me of how obsessive and energetic and nerdy Anna is. She's like a sweet, innocent little girl. And I love that aboot her. But if it's true that she's had sex, then, well, she's not innocent anymore.
Also, I keep uncontrollably having mental videos of all the horrible repercussions Anna having sex would have. For one, I'd continue to be all depressed like this forever, and I could never be happy and I'd never get any enjoyment out of anything anymore. And I imagine it'd be a huge buzzkill for Anna to be married to someone who couldn't enjoy their marriage. Plus, sex is supposed to be a really special thing shared by soul mates... if she has sex with someone else, well, yeah, it ruins sex for us when we finally do end up together. I've always wanted to make her first time especially special and romantic. I'll kiss her and caress her while we make passionate love, and maybe even throw around some rose petals and light candles, if I can ever figure out where you get those things from. I dunno if she's into mood music or not but I'll do that too if she is. Personally it creeps me out to do anything sexual when music's playing because it feels like the singer's watching me. Hell, I even take off my t-shirts and throw them somewhere face-down when I jack off. But whatev, it's all aboot what Anna wants. I bet stupid Jerkemy just wants to put his penis in and jackhammer and have horrible porn sex. :/

What follows now is all the evidence why I suspect they're lying. Enjoy.

When Maddi first read me the post, I already had my doubts that it was true. She then asked Jessa, who "confirmed" by saying Anna told her she had sex a few days after it happened. Right there's a red flag. A few days? Dude, this is Anna we're talking aboot. She would've told everyone immediately, especially her best friend. Why on earth would she wait that long unless her computer was fucked up or something?

I exchanged posts with Jessa in the thread for a while. When I told her I didn't believe it, she then pulled another story out of her presumably hot ass, saying she and Myrrh licked eachother's boobs and engaged in heavy petting. Problem is, I was still Anna's friend when she met Myrrh irl. She told me all aboot it but never mentioned any of that. All they did was make out and look at each other's boobs. Look, not touch. I even told Jessa this, but she tried to cover by saying Anna was trying to avoid hurting my feelings. Um, no she wasn't... If she wanted to avoid hurting my feelings, she wouldn't have even told me what she did tell me. The making out hurt quite a lot for quite a while, and she knew it would. I mean, yeah, it didn't hurt as much as Anna doing anything sexual would, but at that point I hadn't yet told her my thoughts on her doing anything sexual. She would've assumed sex would be the same amount of hurt that making out would be.

Also, Anna's really shy and socially awkward. I doubt she'd be able to get nekkid in front of a dude let alone have sex. Even if she did, she wouldn't know what to do. She'd most likely just lay there motionless. I mean, she'll most likely pick up on the kissing once I start, but it'll probably take her longer to figure out what to do with her hands. Hell, she doesn't know what to do with them when she's sleeping, even. Neither do I, actually. But I digress.

She was with her last boyfriend, Paul, way longer than she's been with Jeremy and nothing happened between them either. Apparently Paul didn't even like kissing. Let's hope Jeremy shares the sentiment as well.

I recently heard Anna's in college now (which also upsets me, but that's a discussion for another day), so how would she even find the time and place to have sex? She lives in a dorm, presumably with a roommate, on a college campus.

I also highly doubt that Anna and Jeremy's relationship is even all that serious. As far as I can tell, they went to prom (as friends), and sometimes hang out. Pretty much just the same shit she did with Paul. Which is basically just friend things. It's painfully obvious to me that Anna doesn't even understand love. She's mistaking intense crushes for love, and that can be extremely dangerous. I mean yeah, seems like everyone goes through that phase at some point. I know I did, up until I met Anna and fell in love for real. Once it clicked for me, I started noticing other people being really stupid with relationships too, mainly in high school and on the Internet. People toss the word "love" around way too casually, when they don't really mean it. Anna's been doing just that her whole life. She "loved" Myrrh, Paul, and apparently Jeremy now, but if she actually took the time to compare the former two to Jeremy, she'd realize nothing's any different from her first two "loves". It's sad, really. Anna's so big on shipping yet doesn't know what love's all aboot.

As far as I can tell, Anna hasn't posted aboot having sex on deviantART, LiveJournal, or anywhere else but in the thread. I did hear that Scott and Jessa posted on Facebook aboot it, but Anna's parents have Facebook accounts and I'd assume they have Anna friended, so they would've seen it. Unless Anna told them aboot the plan or something, idk. My assumption is that she and her friends took advantage of the Nick thread, which they knew I would read at some point, and posted a lie aboot having sex in it to either upset me or make me stop loving her. Or both. But the joke's on them, 'cause even if it were true that still wouldn't make me stop loving her. It would ruin her lives, but not make me stop loving her.

Hopefully nobody but me would even want to have sex with her, because I heard third- or maybe fourth-hand that she has BO. I dunno who it came from, but my guess is Jessa since she's the only one who's met Anna irl who would be talking to my friends. Everyone lost contact with Myrrh once Anna decided to hate her, and I don't think anyone talks to Sean or Kate either. Except maybe Scott. I guess it's possible one of them told Scott, who told another person, who told me. Idk. I'm still thinking Jessa. Jessa's p nice though, so if it was her I'm sure she didn't mean it as an insult, just as a fact. Seems like something that'd be true. She seems to have not-great hygience. It would also explain the photo of her holding deodorant. Although I find it odd that she changed brands. She used to use Teen Spirit (strawberry scented, to be exact) because of the Nirvana song.
Touching back on the shyness thing, how would the subject of sex even come up? I mean, can you imagine it? It'd be awkward as fuck.

And finally, I once saw one of Anna's friends talking to her on Twitter and I suspect they were talking aboot telling me she had sex to get me to kill myself. The exact words were something along the lines of "Yeah, and then right before he dies, say 'Oh yeah, I lied'." Yes, it's p vague, but they were definitely discussing telling someone a lie that would somehow cause their death. Seems to fit.
Looking back one all the evidence makes me feel a little better, but as I said before none of it's concrete. In any case, I hope the truth comes out soon. I also hope that the truth is that she lied. Because if not her lives are irreversibly ruined forever. I would hope she'd have more sense than to do that to herself. I guess we'll find oot...