A Day in the Life

{Open to the living room of the Phoenix House, where Macen and Scott are seated on the couch.}

MACEN: Son, let me teach you about women.

SCOTT: They have vaginas!

MACEN: ...Yeah. Well. My work here is done. Go play somewhere.

{Scott runs off somewhere, just as several loud knocks are heard at the door. Macen opens said door, revealing a very bloody-headed Nick. Macen takes a moment to take this in.}

MACEN: ...Okay, first off, why are you here, and second, why are you here WITH A BLOODY HEAD?

NICK: Eh, I knocked with it. Hey, is Thom here?

MACEN: Do I look like his keeper?

NICK: I dunno aboot a Thomkeeper, but... {briefly pauses to dramatically take a drag on his cigarette} ...You sure look like a beekeeper.

{Macen angrily glares at him.}

MACEN: Get out.

{Cut to Thom's bedroom. Thom is seated at his computer desk, obviously using his computer. Nick pokes his head in the door.}

NICK: THOM!

{Thom swivels his chair to face him.}

THOM: NICK! IT IS YOU!

NICK: Yeah, hey, I has a question for you.

THOM: Hang on. {opens Audacity and presses the record button on his computer, then turns back to Nick} Okay, go.

NICK: Periods. Tampons. Explain please.

THOM: Hooboy.

NICK: I'm just trying to get prepared for bein' married. Inevitably my wife's going to have periods. What do I do aboot this?

THOM: Nick... Nick, she's the one who has to worry about that.

NICK: I know, but like... I wanna help her do stuff.

THOM: Nick, this is going to turn out exactly like the maternity clothes discussion.

NICK: Yeah but-

THOM: Nick. Nick. NICK. There are some things she won't want you to help with. This is one of them.

NICK: Alright. But just so I'm clear, uh... wings? No wings? Super-absorbant? What should I be looking for?

{Thom facepalms. We then cut to Goliath and Baby standing on the sidewalk outside the coffee shop, drinking coffee. Goliath is also holding an extra one.}

GOLIATH: And that's how I learned sticking forks in electrical outlets isn't always a good idea.

BABY: "Sigh."

{Nick enters the scene and stands next to them. Goliath tosses him the extra coffee, which he then sips.}

GOLIATH: How'd the Q&A session go?

NICK: Uh, not well, Goliath, not well. {sips coffee again} So, what flavour is this?

GOLIATH: Mocha. I decided to throw caution to the wind.

NICK: Mm. It's pretty good. Where's everyone else?

GOLIATH: Who?

NICK: You know... those other three people we usually hang out with?

GOLIATH: I'm... I'm not... what three people?

NICK: Ugh. Baby, give a brotha some help here.

BABY: "WHERE THE HELL ARE ANNA, JESSA AND SIMON?!"

NICK: Thanks, B-Dawg.

GOLIATH: Oh, those guys. I don't know, they went someplace for a while.

NICK: ...I will inquire no further. So what's on the agenda for the rest of us?

GOLIATH: You're the leader while Anna's away, man.

NICK: Oh, right. {looks over at Baby} Baby, as leader, I'm making you the new leader.

BABY: "ffffffffff"

GOLIATH: What's today's mission, Cap'm Baby?

BABY: "I hate you so much, Nick..."

{Cut to a bit later. Nick, Baby and Goliath bust into the S.S. Ondine's bridge.}

NICK: Alriiiiight! Without Simon around, I can mess with his computer stuff!

{Nick immediately begins messing with the computer.}

BABY: "Hey, cut it out! That's important for our missions!"

GOLIATH: Lighten up, Baby. It's not like he's gonna delete all the mission data or anything.

{The monitor displays "ALL MISSION DATA DELETED".}

NICK: Uh-oh. That's not good.

BABY: "NICK, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!"

NICK: Uhh... nothiiiiiing... I'ma gonna... go over here... to Anna's chambers... {he sneaks his way out the door}

BABY: "Dammit, now I have to figure out how to fix this." {begins toying with the computer}

GOLIATH: Have you even ever used a computer before?

BABY: "Of course I have. Remember all those dates I've been on?"

GOLIATH: Yeah?

BABY: "Met online."

GOLIATH: Ahhhh.

BABY: "Well, luckily the data wasn't deleted permanently. It was just moved to the recycle bin. Go figure."

GOLIATH: Cool. What kind of stuff is in there?

BABY: "Hm... says there's a treasure chest buried... in Macen's front yard?! How did we miss THIS?!"

GOLIATH: We gonna go dig it up?

BABY: "Eff yeah!"

{A lumpy-shirted Nick hobbles his way back in, pairs of panties falling out with each step.}

NICK: Okay, what'd I miss?

{Cut to just outside the Phoenix House. Nick, Baby and Goliath are staring up at it.}

BABY: "The main problem is going to be doing this without Macen noticing."

NICK: I could keep him distracted. That seems like something I'd be good at.

BABY: "Nice thinking. Head on in there and make sure NO ONE leaves the house. We can't have any of the other residents alerting Macen of our presence."

NICK: Gotcha! {runs in the house, without even knocking this time}

GOLIATH: What do I do?

BABY: "Hang on. I need to figure out the exact location of the treasure. Then, you'll dig it up."

GOLIATH: Okay.

{Baby presses a few buttons on his watch.}

BABY: "Uh-oh."

GOLIATH: What?

BABY: "I misinterpreted the data. The treasure isn't buried in Macen's yard... it's buried UNDERNEATH HIS HOUSE."

GOLIATH: How's that even possible?

BABY: "I don't know, but we're gonna figure it out."

{Baby, followed by Goliath, walks up to the door and knocks, with no response. After a short wait, he knocks again. Finally, Nick pokes his head out the door.}

NICK: Uh... Oh. Hey, guys.

BABY: "Nick, I was wrong. We need to examine the inside of the house."

NICK: Um... {shifts his eyes around a bit} Sure, not a problem.

BABY: "...What did you do in there?"

NICK: Uhh...

{Nick opens the door, revealing that he is now wearing a blood-soaked black cloak and holding an equally blood-soaked katana. Baby and Goliath step in and look around at the blood all over the walls.}

BABY: "NICK, WHAT DID YOU DO IN HERE?!"

NICK: Don't worry, he'll be back in aboot a week.

BABY: "Who will be back in a-"

{Nick steps aside to reveal Macen's corpse.}

BABY: "Oh, okay. Let's go find the treasure."

{Cut to even more later...er, as Nick, Baby and Goliath search through the living room for anything suspicious.}

BABY: "You guys find anything?"

GOLIATH: Nothing here.

NICK: Nothing here either.

{Thom walks in, takes a moment to look around at the blood, dead body and random people searching through his house, then leaves the way he came without saying a word.}

BABY: "Alright, the living room is clean. Metaphorically. Let's check the hallway."

{They walk through the hallway, looking around for anything that may be out of the ordinary.}

BABY: "Nothing here, either. We should split up and cover all the other rooms."

NICK: I'll go check out the bathroom.

GOLIATH: I call kitchen!

BABY: "Alright, then I'll go ask Thom if he's seen anything."

{As Nick walks over to the bathroom, he trips over something.}

NICK: AH, WHAT THE F-

GOLIATH: You okay?

NICK: This damn floorboard's loose.

BABY: "Wait... a loose floorboard?"

{Baby rushes over to the floorboard and examines it closely.}

NICK: Oh, sure, ignore the guy who just tripped over here.

BABY: "Stop doing drugs. Hey, wait a minute! Several of these floorboards are loose..."

{Baby removes the boards altogether. Underneath is pitch black.}

BABY: "Flashlight."

{Nick reaches into his pants, pulls out a flashlight, and hands it to Baby. Baby then aims it into the hole he uncovered.}

BABY: "A secret crawlspace..."

GOLIATH: Weird, we've never noticed this before until just now. Isn't it funny how things work out?

BABY: "Shh. We're going in there."

NICK: Hell no we're not! I've watched enough TV to know what's in every crawlspace ever - dead bodies.

BABY: "Nick, you just stabbed a man to death with a katana."

NICK: What's your point?

BABY: "Never mind. Goliath, are you coming?"

GOLIATH: Count me in, Cap'm!

BABY: "Okay... here we go..."

{Baby hops into the crawlspace. Goliath follows shortly after.}

GOLIATH: Sure is dirty down here.

BABY: "It's a crawlspace, Goliath. Of course it's dirty."

GOLIATH: I could clean this up no problem. I was thinking of becoming a maid, ya know.

BABY: "Shush, I'm trying to focus."

{The twosome continue crawling around, Baby fixated on his watch, until finally...}

BABY: "This is it."

GOLIATH: By Michael Jackson.

BABY: "Shut up. We need to dig here."

GOLIATH: I'm on it!

{Goliath begins digging, as dogs do, and unearths a treasure chest.}

BABY: "Bingo."

{Goliath punches the lock, busting it and opening the chest. Baby reaches into it.}

BABY: "Doubloons! Score!"

GOLIATH: Wow... that's pretty cliché.

BABY: "Well hey, it's also effective. Do you know how much unnecessary shit we can afford with this? A lot, Goliath. A lot."

GOLIATH: Point taken. Let's get out of here.

BABY: "Uh... that may be a problem."

GOLIATH: Why?

{Baby points behind Goliath. It seems that, in his digging, he mistakenly blocked the exit with a mound of dirt.}

GOLIATH: Oh, right. That. {brief pause} DEUS EX MACHINA ATTACK! {Goliath abruptly stands upright, busting through the floor above him, which turns out to be the floor of Nikki's room.}

{Nick, who apparently was raiding Nikki's panty drawer, turns to face them in surprise.}

NICK: AH! AH! GET OUT! OUT!

{Cut to later than evening, as the three relax in their hideout.}

BABY: "I'm pretty pleased with how things turned out. The others'll be pretty happy when they return."

NICK: Yup. Plus, when I was in Anna's room, I found some of her tampons. Now I know what kind to buy!

GOLIATH: Everything worked out for everyone!

BABY: "What aboot Macen?"

GOLIATH: Everyone.

{The end.}