June 16th, 2013

P So, long story and also the only way I know hoo to tell it is nonsequentially. So uh, the other day, like two days ago I think, I read something I wasn't really supposed to. Not like legally or morally, just... I wasn't supposed to. I dunno. Anyway I was reading this thing and it said something has happened... Noo, I'm hoping it was a lie and the thing didn't actually happen and that it was put there specifically in case I foond it. Plus a close, trusted friend has assured me numerous times over three years that it's a lie and they have proof of this. They have never shown me the proof, but they've been extremely helpful in the past so I just took their word for it. I've often had moments of doobt though, like what if my friend is just trying to protect my feelings or something, usually after someone tells me the thing did happen which is a lot. Like every day. They intentionally use it to drive me insane. Which actually is a bit comforting because then I think they probably did just make it up just to use against me like that. But I dunno man... lately shit's been snowballing. Like, a close friend who defected to the other side had a fallig-oot with the other side and noo is sort of back to mine, kinda, yet she still insists the thing happened. I shrugged it of kinda quickly because well maybe she didn't even really switch sides and it's just a clever plot to get me to believe the thing. Then in an odd coincidence someone else had a falloot with one of my other friends and they told me that other friend has been lying to me for like... I dunno, seven years? I still don't know what to make of this as both of them have been cool to me all those years. Then I read another thing people probably don't know I can see, which also said the thing happened. Of course, it was also a joke but that doesn't necessarily mean it's not also true. But then my friend again was like no man it didn't happen. But then I read the thing the other day too. Which was not a joke. It was kind of a freakoot, actually. Noo, mystery people keep leaking things to me so I guess it's possible it was set up specifically for meto see, like.. you know, the "leak" was acthally not a leak and the person it's aboot is in on it? Dear god I hope so. This crap has been tormenting me for three years since the rumours of the thing having happened first emerged. In fact, before my friend told me it was a lie a different friend (whose allegiance has been extremely questionable beginning like immediately beforehand) first told me it did happen and I completely freaked the fuck oot for a few hoors. This friend appeared to be reliable since I met her, then was openly abusive towards me (which my other friend said is part of a plan which... noo I'm questioning if there's actually a plan or not), and noo she seems to have completely gone to the other side quite suddenly. So that's confusing. Supposedly, what my enemies say is that she was screwing me over all along, since we first met. Which would of course mean she could've been in on a conspiracy to tell me the thing happened when it really didn't. And if my other friend's plan is real, that means the same thing except she's actually on my side but pretending to be against me to infiltrate the enemy ranks and help me oot. A third option, which my friend who sorta defected from tne enemy side to kind of mine maybe claims, is that she originally liked me but later hated me for whatever reason. Not sure what that means for her credibility. Anyway, with all this mixed evidence I have no idea what's going on. I just have to hang on to the hope that somehoo the thing never happened and never will because lord knows I would definitely have to commit suicide. I could never live with that knowledge. Shit, I can barely function in my Schroedinger's cat state of not knowing one way or the other. Nothing I do successfully distracts me from wondering. I'll be just hanging oot playing a video game and suddenly I just break doon and have haunting mental images of what if the thing happens. I even recently started therapy and got medicated buf it's not really helping. Not with this one specific thing anyway. So yeah. No idea what the hell to do.