Bonus Stage Kids: Episode Two

{Open to the set of Bonus Stage Kids.}

PHIL: Welcome back to Bonus Stage Kids, everyone. Why does it seem like we were on a long, long hiatus?

JOEL: {from offscreen} We got slapped with twelve lawsuits.

PHIL: Right, as I was saying, nothing out of the ordinary happened since our last episode! As you all know, I'm your host, Phil "The Host" Argus. {gradually becoming more irritated} Because it's my job to host. Constantly. Without rest. All the time. FOREVER. {calming down} And now, let's see how Andrew "The Guy Who Exists" Wonderful is doing in the "Caring and Sharing Corner"!

{Cut to Phil and Andrew hanging out in a room where several little kids appear to be fighting over random toys while they talk.}

PHIL: As you all know, because you creepily watch this show about as much as you watch that old show we used to have, despite it being aimed at preschool children, here in the "Caring and Sharing Corner", Andrew teaches our little friends how to... well... care and share. How's that working out, Andrew?

ANDREW: Very crappily.

PHIL: {slightly irritated} Dude, we're supposed to be using G-rated language!

ANDREW: Oh, sorry. {correcting himself} Very shittily.

PHIL: ...yeah. Right. Well, {walks up to two random children, who are fighting over a toy} Children! How's it goin'?

LITTLE BOY: This buttface over here is trying to steal my toy!

PHIL: Now, now, her face obviously does not really look like a butt. {looks over at the girl, whose face DOES, in fact, look like a butt} ...err, well, maybe it does a little, but just don't say it out loud and everything'll be fine! ^_^

LITTLE GIRL: Nuh-uh! My face is pretty! My daddy said that!

PHIL: Is your daddy also a forty-year-old who lives in your grandmommy's basement and attends Star Trek conventions?

LITTLE GIRL: {sniffling} ...he... he says Captain Janeway is hot. ;_;

PHIL: {walks back over to Andrew} Well, Andrew, you're doing a fine job. Keep up the only-slightly-below-average work.

{As Phil walks away, the children fighting in the background become extremely violent. Injuries are sustained.}

PHIL: And now we'll see how Joel's doing in the "We're Making Science Fun Somehow! Corner".

{Joel is sitting at a table with a few other children, with beakers and other science stuff scattered around.}

JOEL: Today, Phil... and Lil... I showed these prepubescent midgets how to suck an egg through a bottle!

PHIL: So, Joel "The Cool Awesome Guy Who Is Better Than Phil", I guess everyone's having tons of fun over here.

JOEL: Hecks yeah. Plus it turns out we share interests in video games. These midgets are a'ight in my book.

PHIL: They're children, Joel.

JOEL: Well, God, Phil, you don't have to rub it in their faces!

PHIL: {sighs, then whispers to Joel} Joel, see me backstage. {speaking to audience again} Well, it's time for a commercial break!

{A little splash screen is displayed, with some accompanying cheerful-sounding music, and then we cut to Phil, Joel and Elly backstage.}

JOEL: What's wrong with you, Phil? Ruining the hopes and dreams of people who may look different on the outside, yet are so similar to us on the inside... WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!

PHIL: Joel. For the last time, they are NOT midgets. They're CHILDREN. This is a CHILDREN'S show. Remember the contract you forced me to sign?

JOEL: The restraining order?

PHIL: No, the other one. The one where you tricked me into hosting this stupid show.

JOEL: Oh, yeah. I remember that. Remember the episode we did about E3?

PHIL: Not THAT show, THIS one!

JOEL: What's the difference?

PHIL: THERE'S A HUGE DIFFERENCE. Now can you PLEASE do something about getting us out of this mess?

JOEL: Look, Phil, the contract is binding. Besides, I managed to snag us a great dental plan by handing out a few favors. {raises eyebrow} Sexual ones.

PHIL: You didn't sleep with anyone.

JOEL: Of course not. There was no time for sleep with all the sex going on. ^_^

PHIL: Elly, don't you have a problem with being on this show?

ELLY: Nah, it's easy. Just pretend to be nice to some little kids for a half-hour and then go home and beat up some life-size dolls that LOOK like children.

PHIL: ...yeah... that's... that seems like it should be a felony.

JOEL: Don't worry, Phil. The terms only last for one more season, then we're as good as dead.

PHIL: Dead?

JOEL: No, I mean... no, of course we won't die... uhh...

{Phil stares at him blankly.}

JOEL: Okay, I've been swayed by your persuasion. Look, Phil, when the show ends... they kill us.

PHIL: WHAT?!

JOEL: Yeah. It was in the fine print. That Slim is one crafty guy.

PHIL: How could you not read the fine print?! Haven't you learned anything from the LAST contract we signed?

JOEL: Uhhhh... smashing things solves everything?

PHIL: Yes.

{To be continued.}